“There will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.”
-Mumford & Sons, After the Storm
I’ve been playing this on repeat the whole day. It makes great writing music on in the background.
Also, the words of the song are really speaking to the bent of what my thoughts have been leaning.
It’s a great reminder to keep moving forward past my fears and through my challenges. When I so much want to give up and sit in despair, I can work toward something. And really, that might take just looking around and realizing I already have the grace and flowers already, if I accept them.
My personal hill I want overcome is fear.
With each move forward I hope I can live a bit less like this:
And more like this:
And I don’t think insecurity is only skin deep. Sometimes it can be something deeper about yourself.
And I’m seeking to live more free to have joy and be myself, the self free from those insecurities.
“I sometimes think that shame, mere awkward, senseless shame, does as much towards preventing good acts and straightforward happiness as any of our vices can do.” -C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Because if I focus less on failures and my fears, maybe I can see good things too and know myself as more of a good person than I give myself credit for. Not good in terms of perfect or especially just. I’m tired of trying to prove myself that way. It gets me nowhere.
I mean good in terms of who I am is enough. And I think so much more and more that being myself, who God made me, is worship in itself.
“I think we are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not.” -Joan Didion
As much as my cautious qualities could be a part of me, the fact that they hold me back means they cannot help me past my fears and into a different and better state of things. That means under my fears there is more to me that perhaps I should unleash.
So my thoughts continue to swirl around the topic of freedom to be oneself, freedom in Christ, and identity in general.
And I think I will play the Mumord & Sons song a few more times to answer that thumping in my heart that says: Yes, yes, this it. This is what we mean.