Today I start my internship for the summer. I thought I would just need to walk around the block to get there. No big deal. I was mistaken; it’s actually a mile away. Today my dad is going to give me a ride and pick me up today. The sky is ominously dark and the forecast is for thunderstorms. Not fun to walk in. I do want to take that walk sometime this summer. I want to start working out so walking to and from my job is a great opportunity, at least in my mind. Athletic centers make me nervous and more self conscious. But weather is definitely something to be concerned about.
Why am I just not driving myself? Well, my options are limited to get a ride or walk. You see, I haven’t learned how to drive or even how to ride a bike. Very pitiful, yes. Lack of self-confidence is a really dangerous thing. It cripples you. Your view of life is distorted. In my experience, I eventually realized that I was where I did not want to be, but it has been a slow and difficult road to untangle myself from the lies you’ve told yourself are true, reorient and then change for the better. I’ve been reminded that change is like any exercise: it takes time to improve. And I was crippled mentally so I have to slowly stretch out and get better. I can’t wallow in what I should have done, what I could have done, even though that would be really easy for me to do. I’ve come a long way and I’m much better than I used to be.
One of my strengths is to hold on in spite of the hardships going on. I’ve held on and I’m not the same person I was. I feel much more free. Sure, I still have the consequences of the years of insecurity and some days I fall back into old habits, but I definitely have more confidence than I used. So right now I just have to make do with what I can do while I continue to increase my confidence and my skills. I’m practicing driving this summer, building on what I learned last summer. I’ve come to recognize that I have people in my life who believe in me and are patient with me. That’s a huge breakthrough for me. So now I feel supported to take the hardest step and try. I’ll get there. So goals for the summer: exercise and seriously learn to drive. It’ll work out.